AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/28/2003 05:00:00 PM ----- BODY: She's Still Jenny From the Block

Jennifer Lopez, known more affectionately by her clever nickname J-Lo, seems to really be driving home the point that she's just a normal person as her "Jenny From the Block" song suggests. The down to earth diva ordered 6 limos to escort her crew to a hotel that was located only 100 yards away in downtown London. The whole ordeal took about 15 minutes to get everyone into the luxury vehicles. Heaven forbid they actually walk that lengthy trip the size of a football field like every other person. -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/28/2003 01:36:00 PM ----- BODY: Team Wang Defeat

Last night was one of the most insane games of basketball I have ever experienced. Not only were we defeated, but we all were kicked out of the game. We had a feeling it was going to be a rough night because only five of our teamates were able to play, leaving us with no subs for the entire game. We started falling behind pretty badly when one of our players was given a technical for doing nothing. All he did was ask the guard what his Chinese tattoo meant has the guy was dribbling up the court. The opposing player replied, "It means 'muffdiver'." That's it. We were annoyed but kept fighting. In the second half, the same guy from our team got a technical by saying, "I should be sweating out beer right now." He was ejected and we were left to play with only four people. Moments later, two policemen came onto the court, stopped the game, and escorted us to another room. They asked if we had been drinking because of the comments of our recently-ejected teammate. He died laughing, and they even breathalyzed two of us. Realizing we had not been drinking and that we were only playing to joke around and have fun, the cops left and we returned to our game. We played for five minutes more and were totally getting destroyed and, not to mention, exhausted. Around 4 minutes left in the game, on of our players made the play of the game. He was trying to pass the ball in with a defender flailing his arms at him over the out of bounds plane, which was an obvious foul. There was no call and my teammate put the ball under one arm and gave the defender a high five with his free hand. We were all cracking up. The ref jumped in our player's face and yells, "That's a T! You guys are out of here!" At first we were stunned. Then, once again, we laughed hysterically and exited the building. We may not be the most athletic group of guys, we may never win games, but we have spirit. Last night was definitely a moral victory for Team Wang -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/27/2003 05:27:00 PM ----- BODY: A Newsworthy Idea

As I overheard The Today Show this morning from my roomate's room, I couldn't help but think of how interesting it would be if a station aired a profanity-laced news show. There seems to be two types of swearing -- ignorant, obnoxious, and offensive swearing and the funny, entertaining swearing a la Jack Black. I can see today's broadcast going something like this: Katie Couric: "Prepared to be knocked right on your fuckin' ass...everyone's favorite childhood neighbor, Mr. Rogers, passed away today from stomach cancer. He was 74 years old." Willard Scott: "74 years young, bitch." Matt Lauer: "The lovable bastard brought delight to the homes of two generations of children. I had gotten to know him over the years, and Mr. Rogers was one cool motherfucker." Ann Curry: "Holy shit. I can't believe that. The cocksucker was just on PBS the other day!" Al Roker: "Those are called reruns you dumbass." Willard Scott: "Holla, my nigga!" With our youth reportedly caring less and less about current events, I think this concept could really appeal to them, especially considering the fact that programs filled with explitives (i.e. The Osbournes, South Park, etc.) have grown in popularity over the years. The hosts could be styled and hip like a MTV VJ. They'd wear the latest expensive clothes, have attractive figures to be the objects of envy among the target audience (not to mention, it would increase the growing insecurity among teens and pre-teens and growth with that eating disorder fad that seems to be so in right now), and they would even have music reviews for great artists such as Nelly and Limp Bizkit. The movie reviewer would review all the neat flicks like the latest teen romantic comedies and anything staring Freddie Prinze Junior. Granted, due to the language, they would probably have to be shown on HBO or Showtime, but they could be re-shown later on regular networks with appropriate voice over-dubbing in place of the bad words like they do for movies. Who says kids don't care about the news? I see the future of current events upon us... -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/27/2003 12:15:00 PM ----- BODY: A Surprise Letter

I received a letter yesterday from my father. Inside, I found something that I wouldn't have expected even from an affectionate person. He wrote of how proud he was of me and that he could tell I had grown into a mature adult who was sure to be successful in life. He signed it "All of my love, Dad". My dad has always been a very conservative guy who has rarely ever shown emotion. If anything, my sister and I have felt that we are constantly under criticism for not living up to his high expectations. My dad has also never signed a letter mentioning "love" unless it is in response to a letter that I sign that way first. I guess it's just the more manly, macho thing to do. I've always understood his reasons for doing it and actually found amusement of it, in a way. I always knew that I would always tell my kids I loved them regardless of how I was raised. I think big reason for it stems from the death of a friend when I was in high school. As my friend passed away in the hospital, his parents came up to the parents of another friend of mine with tears in their eyes and said, "Don't ever let a day go by without telling your kids you love them." That's powerful. It's unfortunate that my dad will probably never fully understand how much that letter meant to me. -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/25/2003 02:55:00 AM ----- BODY: Sweepstakes

All the long nights of struggling to create material for everyone to enjoy is just a memory as Sweepstakes finished up this past weekend. Our emcee trio performed a show on Friday at 7 (the Mason Jennings concert at the M-Shop followed and it was very, very good) and two shows on Saturday night. The following is a list of our skits with a brief description so I don't forget what they were. 1) Introduction The Chicago Bulls theme played while the spot light went wacky on the curtain. An announcer announced us a couple times and we went on stage -- Andy wearing a tight, pink unitard; Molly wearing a cow outfit; and myself wearing just normal street clothes. The premise was that I played a joke on them to go on stage dressed like idiots and they get upset and leave me by myself with the daunting task to try to make the audience laugh. Cricket sounds play in the background as I get nervous and tell really corny jokes. As time goes on, I take two pins that I have in my pockets and I pop plastic bags filled with water that are taped underneath my shirt on my armpits. This shows that I'm nervous as "sweat" slowly soaks my shirt. After telling another joke or two, I take the pins in my pockets and pop another baggie filled with water that is securely taped to my crotch so it looks like I pee my pants from nervousness. Eventually, Andy and Molly come out after teaching me my lesson and we learn that we can only be funny together. 2) American Idol We decide to hold our own American Idol competition at ISU. I talk a little at first and introduce the first contestant who is Molly dressed in a gaudy dress with a blonde wig. She tells me how happy she is to be competing and that nothing anyone says could upset her. She then sings "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera and completely butchers the song. I cut her off after the first chorus and we get the judges opinions which are done over the speakers. The spotlight focuses on the actual judges for the show at this time. They all say mean things to her and she tries to act happy, but storms off the stage upset. I introduce Andy who comes out wearing hick clothing and a wicked mullet wig. He sings "Achy Breaky Heart" and then also gets bad reviews. 3) Clone-Aid Molly is running a Clone Cone stand and I walk up wearing ISU clothing and ask for a Clone Cone. She puts a sign over the "Cone" part that said "Aid". She tells me all about what they do and I ask to order one. Instead of doing any DNA things, she just asks me three stupid questions. Andy ends up being my clone and I get upset. We were nominated for best line with this one for when I said, "umm....he's Asian." 4) Hip-Hop Dance Club Andy starts out by saying that the Hip-Hop Dance Club could not come to Sweepstakes because they were dancing at a Timberwolves game so we decided to come up with our own dance mix in their place. We start off wearing suits with a white shirt underneath and cones taped to our chest as we start dancing to "Vogue" by Madonna. Then, we take off our coat to reveal a green cumberbun around our waist and we perform a Lord of the Dance routine. Then, we take off the cumberbun, put on a black hat and white glove and dance to "Billy Jean". After that, we change and get into costume for a Justin Timberlake song. Molly and Andy to a dance together while I pretend to play guitar and stare blankly at the crowd. Then, I change into a puffy coat as Molly changes into a J-Lo-type outfit and we dance to "I'm Real". After that, we put on a jearsy, some gold chains, and put a band-aid on our cheek and we dance to "Hot In Herre". 5) Man vs. Beast Molly is the host of the show where I square off against a bunch of different animals. Andy comes out for each round dressed as a tiger, donkey, bear, and monkey. I catch on to the fact that the game is rigged for every round and go, "Is that you, Andy". Andy replies with, "Yeah, Brad." 6) Musical I go out on stage and announce that we wanted a chance to get our names on the Varieties trophy so we came up with a musical of our own. We then create a plot and lip sync five musical songs, ending with "We Go Together" from Greese. 7) Beat the Buzzer I am the gameshow host and Andy and Molly reveal they've been tricked into playing a game that hands out stray animals and not prizes or money. I ask really easy questions and each of them try to get the answer wrong so they don't have to end up with the animals. This one seemed to be the crowd favorite. 8) Enrique For the closer, Molly goes out to introduce Enrique, and Andy comes out looking like him. I play guitar and Molly shakes sprinkles while he sings "Hero". After the first chorus, Andy talks of focusing on one person in the crowd like in the Doritos commercial, and the spotlight moves over to focus on our friend Pete. Then he goes back to singing the song and we end the show. -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/20/2003 10:49:00 PM ----- BODY: An Oral Dilemma

It appears that Britain is starting a new approach to decreasing teenage pregnancy. Are they encouraging birth control? Stressing abstainance? Teaching of the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases? Nope. Instead, they are urging kids 16 and under to start experimenting oral sex. Isn't that like encouraging teens to smoke pot in order to reduce hard drug use? It's like wiping before you poop, it just doesn't make any sense... -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/20/2003 03:34:00 PM ----- BODY: Further Proof That Cat Lovers Are Weird

Yes, yes, I realize saying cat lovers are weird is a broad generalization, but the facts don't lie. Earlier, I have mentioned my hatred for cats and how it's scientifically proven their owners tend to be more introverted. Well, lo and behold, a really freaky discovery was made just recently to confirm the scientific findings as well as my own personal opinion as 100 cats and 82 carcasses were found in the home of a woman living alone in New Mexico. At first I was a little excited because I misread the headline and thought she may have been some cat-killing vigilante. It ends up, she's just another crazy cat owner. -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/20/2003 01:08:00 PM ----- BODY: Yesterday's Dream

The other night I had a dream that I was at a Cyclone football game with my family. It was at a larger stadium so it wasn't at Jack Trice, but they were playing Nebraska. Out of nowhere, people started just passing out all over the place. Apparently someone had released some type of gas in the stadium leaving fans and players alike collapsing to the ground. I ran to the upper level area to avoid making contact with the substance, but I started to smell it and my vision became blurry. I fought so hard to keep running but the fumes overcame my senses. As I was about to give in, a woman I knew from when I worked at the Foundation saw me and took me by the arm. She lead me to one of the skyboxes where we waited safety with individuals who were fortunate enough to buy their way to such a refuge. We all stood viewing the horror as it unfolded within the stadium below us. Soon, no one that was on the other side of the glass was standing...and I woke up. -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/19/2003 01:16:00 PM ----- BODY: The Hilarious Ween Machine

The goofy group Ween was recently dropped from Pizza Hut after the company wasn't satisfied with their 30 second jungles they were asked to create. "When I think of Pizza Hut, I think of six pounds of cheese and shitty pizza. Our song was perfect for that," commented guitarist Dean Ween. Pizza Hut had them rework each of the six songs they submitted to promote the company's new "Insider" pie. The first jingle was titled, "Where'd the Cheese Go? I Don't Know". The final jingle ended up being redone and titled, "Bitch, where'd the motherfuckin' cheese go at?" You can listen to both versions on Ween's website. -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/18/2003 11:19:00 PM ----- BODY: A Trio Of Ideas From A Trio Of Masterminds

We thought we had accomplished something pretty memorable a couple weeks ago as my friends Molly, Andy, and I received the news that we had advanced to Sweepstakes as emcees. Those frustrating late nights we had spent grasping for any little idea that would appeal to multi-aged audience had paid off. They threw us a curveball, though. For the first time ever, the VCC members added two additional vignettes to the performances which mean that not only will this weekend's crowds teeter on the brink of insanity as the shows stretch toward the three hour mark, but it also means we would have to come up with two more skits, as well. The process of creating a funny 7-10 minute skit is not very fun, and it is especially difficult for three people to create eight of them -- which is roughly more material than presented on a weekly episode of Saturday Night Live. So the past couple nights we sat down and thought long and hard about what we could do. Each time we thought we had an idea we'd run into a brick wall and get frustrated. Some of the topics included Miss Cleo, a spoof on the Budweiser "True" commercials, the Lord of the Rings. Finally, for some strange reason, we came up with THREE skits in the matter of an hour. All we even wanted was two, but we're throwing out one of our original skits to allow all three of them to be included. It's crazy to me how the collective minds of individuals can struggle for hours on end, and then all of a sudden they click and the ideas can't be recorded fast enough. It's a simply amazing thought to me. You would think, if anything, our minds would have averaged out -- one person coming up with something and then having a lull, then at another point someone else having a creative spell, etc. Instead, it all worked at once. The workings of the mind just blow my mind.... -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/17/2003 02:19:00 AM ----- BODY: War Is For The Byrds

This link is a really interesting excerpt of West Virginia Senator Paul Byrd's senate floor speech last Wednesday. I used to think the old guy was a little wishy-washy, but his thoughts regarding our nation's handling of the war situation is dead on. It's just too bad it seems as if nothing will pan out from it. It's really sad that this coupled with millions of anti-war protesters from all over the globe will not slowdown the Bush-driven beast and its aggressive agenda. Unfortunately,I used to like John McCain and now he's calling the protests "unwise and foolish". On the lighter side, Carol Moseley-Braun came to Iowa today to speak about her run for Iowa's 2004 Democratic presidential nomination. It ends up, only one person even bothered to brave the snow in Des Moines to hear her speak...ouch! -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/15/2003 04:20:00 PM ----- BODY: Gays and the Bible

This past week there have been a decent amount of opinions expressed in the Daily regarding homosexuality and religion. At one time, I really thought about responding to most of them in an attempt to dispel their close-minded points of view. Then I realized that I'd only be setting myself up for more ignorant replies from Bible beaters who are too blind to think for themselves and see just how stupid their anti-gay sentiments really are. It is people like them that make me wonder why I would ever associate myself with any religion they are a part of. So, because I feel the readers of this site are of a good deal of intelligence, I am posting it on here instead. The following is going to assume that the writings of the Bible are real and not just a book of mythology that some seem to feel. The reason I say that is because hopefully some of this stuff can be used as ammunition against those who's favorite response in a discussion about homosexuality and religion is, "It's a sin because it says so in the Bible". Anyone who says that without any support to their statement has no right to even participate in the discussion. First, I want to explain that most people tend to take the Bible very literally. It is these people that are the first to say homosexuality is a sin because everything is black and white. For example, one person wrote in the Daily that 1 Corinthians 6: 9-11 explicitly condemns being gay. The person then goes on to say "If you call yourself a Catholic/Christian, you are saying, or suggesting, that you follow the teachings of Jesus and the words of the Holy Bible." Well, if we are to use the Bible as the basis for how we are to live our lives, then we are supposed to also do the following: 1) Women are basically supposed to do nothing. They are not to speak in church, nor are they supposed to have any authority over man. "A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; She must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing - if they continue in faith, love, and holiness with propriety." 1 Timothy 2:11-14 2) Any woman who has ever worn jewelry or dressed up is a sinner. "I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God." 1 Timothy 2:9 3) Slavery is ok. "Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear..." Ephesians 6:5-9 (and repeated in Colossians 3:22-4:1, Colossians 3:22, 1 Timothy 6:1-2, and 1 Peter 2:18) 4) Men being married to more than one woman and people living together is ok. It is mentioned many times throughout the Old Testament and was a very common practice back then. 5) The Old Testament nowhere explicitly prohibits sexual relations between unmarried consenting adults, as long as the woman's economic value (bride price) is not compromised, that is to say, as long as she is not a virgin. 6) Divorce should not occur. Jesus forbids divorce in Mark 10:1-12 (in Matt, 19:9, he softens his severity). Yet many Christians, in clear violation of a command of Jesus, have been divorced. What makes the one so much greater a sin than the other, especially considering the fact that Jesus never even mentioned homosexuality but explicitly condemned divorce? That being said, I will try to explain the references to homosexuality in the Bible: There are cases that are irrelevant to the discussion like in Genesis 19: 1-29. In it, there is a story of an attempted gang rape in Sodom. People try to say this story says homosexuality is bad. The funny thing to me abot that argument is that the men who attempted the rape were, in fact, heterosexual males. They would try to rape men to humiliate them. Because of that, this passage is completely irrelevant to the whole "gay is wrong" discussion -- the men were straight and the act of rape is being frowned upon. I won't touch on these types of examples for obvious reasons. In Leviticus 18:22, it states, "You [masculine] shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination." The second (Lev. 20:13) adds the penalty: "If a man lies with a male as a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death, their blood is upon them." First of all, this does not make reference to women. Does that mean it's ok to be a lesbian but it's wrong to be a gay male? If being gay was such a sin, then why would it discriminate? The real reason for these passages goes back to the lack of science when the Bible was written. The Hebrew prescientific understanding was that male semen contained the whole of nascent life. With no knowledge of eggs and ovulation, it was assumed that the woman provided only the incubating space. Hence, the spilling of semen for any procreative purpose -- in coitus interruptus (Gen 38:1-11), male homosexual acts, or male masturbation -- was considered equal to abortion or murder. This is one of the many displays of how science drastically limited the knowledge of individuals at the time when the Bible was written (for example, they believed the Earth was flat back then). Paul shows distaste for homosexual practices in Roman 1:26-27, "For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. Their woman exchanged natural relations for unnatural, and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in their own persons the due penalty for their error." Paul seemed to assume that those whom he condemns are heterosexual, and are acting contrary to nature, "leaving," "giving up," or "exchanging" their regular sexual orientation for that which is foreign to them. Paul knew nothing of the modern psychological understanding of homosexuals and the thought of them being born that way was foreign to him. In reality, based on various interpretations of the Bible throughout history, Paul's writings have been taken out of context and twisted to punish and oppress every identifiable minority in the world (Jews, children, women, blacks, slaves, politicians, divorced people, convicts, pro choice people, lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transsexuals, religious reformers, andthe mentally ill). Also, the relationships Paul describes are heavy with lust. They are not relationships of consenting adults who are committed to each other as faithfully and with as much integrity as any heterosexual couple. There are only two passages in modern Bibles that mention the words "homosexual" or "effeminate". In I Corinthians 6:9 it states, "The unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God. So do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the realm of God." In I Timothy 1:9-10, it states, "Law is not made for a righteous person but for those who are lawless and rebellious, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers and fornicators and homosexuals and kidnappers and liars and perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound (healthy) teaching." The context of these excerpts is in dealing with sexual acts and not of sexual preference. What I find funny about this interpretations is that those two words were never even used until roughly 100 years ago. No Bible before the Revised Standard Version in 1946 even used "homosexual" in any Bible translation. The word that was originally used before the writings were altered was "arsenokoites", which we do not clearly know its meaning. It is most likely meant to refer to male prostitutes with female customers, which was frowned on and would make more sense with the context of the statements. Ok, so there it is, my long essay on why homosexuality is not a sin. I hope I didn't upset too many people with its content or length. I feel what is posted is accurate and has enough fact to support my opinion on the matter. I hope this makes up for my lack of posting for the past week. -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/07/2003 03:24:00 PM ----- BODY: (Don't) Smoke 'Em If Ya Got 'Em

Yesterday, we got into a very interesting conversation regarding the amazing deception Marlboro has displayed to their consumers. Aside from the obvious topics such as them claiming not to target underage kids (90% of their smokers start by age 20) and their testimonials that they doctor their cigarettes with high levels of nicotine (they secretely grew plants in Brazil that were engineered to do just that and then signed a patent for it there so they could escape prosecution in the U.S.), the most fascinating thing to me is how they gained a competitive advantage in the industry by creating Marlboro "Lights" and "Ultralights". These relatively new products give the customers the impression they can smoke them and take in less tar and/or nicotine. This is actually very far from the truth. The cigarettes that are considered "Light" and "Ultralight" have been designed to have ventilation holes where smokers hold the cigarette and out the end of the product where the mouth would go. Look closely next time and you can see them. This way, when tested, more airflow is allowed through the cigarettes and into the machines, causing the readings to show less tar and nicotine through inhalation. There is a huge difference in the test results from what the average smoker takes in. That is because humans cover up these holes with their fingers and mouth. When used by people, these alleged "healthier cigarettes" actually are no different from regular cigarettes. Another thing I found to be of interest is how Marlboro added ammonia to their product and wrote down that it was only used to make the contents stay together better. While that may be true, what they failed to mention is that they conducted research to find out what would cause the nicotine to reach the bloodstream and brain of individuals the fastest. They found that adding ammonia to the cigarettes did just that. Basically, when you smoke cigarettes with ammonia you are freebasing on nicotine. Not to mention ammonia isn't exactly good for you to inhale either. The fact the the tobacco industry has gone so long without charges being filed against them for things like this just baffles me. These men are very smart in how they perform their unethical acts because they find loopholes in the law that prevent them from getting in too much trouble. Just knowing that people purchase cigarettes to destroy their lungs blows my mind already, but I can't imagine why anyone would continue to support anyone associated with the tobacco industry when they've shown such a blatent disragard for their users' health and safety. All they are able to see are dollar signs and, unfortunately, since most people I know that started smoking in junior high or high school, they are unable to break free of their addiction. They were some of the millions of kids (studies have shown 6,000 kids a day smoke for the first time) who were targeted because of their inability to let reason seep into their decision making. Thank goodness the number seems to be dropping lately. The reason, researchers say, is because teens are getting cell phones and that, in place of smoking, makes them feel cool and older. -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/06/2003 12:12:00 PM ----- BODY: Speed Limit Green

A couple weeks ago, a friend and I were hosting our weekly radio show when we got a phone call from a guy requesting "Candy Wrapper" by Speed Limit Green. We searched all over the studio and couldn't find it so we decided just to give up. They called again to request the song, and we broke the news to them that there was no CD by that band in the studio. They asked us to look some more. We did. We didn't find anything. They called back again asking if we found it yet. We said no. We were getting pretty annoyed at this kid for his persistance. Finally, the person called back and told us he was one of the guys in the band and asked if they could drop off a copy to the station for us to play. Lo and behold, about fifteen minutes later these two guys show up with grins across their teenage faces. They were sixteen...and one of the kids was a midget. The explained that it was just two of them in the band and that they created all of their music through a computer. They then asked us to play a song off the CD. Popping the CD in, we noticed that there were only ten tracks on the album and the longest song was about a minute and a half. The music is beyond description. It is by far the most random, talentless music my ears have ever had the misfortune to hear. They left and we had a good laugh. Since then, Speed Limit Green has been sort of a joke on our show. It wasn't until last week that we did something about it. Over the air, we asked if any of the members of the duo were listening to our show. If they were, they were to call us. They did. We told them to come in and give an exclusive interview at KURE 88.5. They did. For almost forty minutes, my friend and I used our masterful interviewing skills combined with our razor sharp wit to deliver powerful insight into the brilliance of Speed Limit Green to our vast audience. It happened to be our most popular show as the phone lines were flooded with questions for our guests. They don't know how to play any instruments. Instead, they just use the samples from Music Maker 7. They do not write any lyrics before they press the record button on their computer (well, except for one song about Swingline Staplers). One song on their CD, titled "Fart", was just a clip of the midget farting with effects added to it. The midget informed us that the original burst of gas lasted roughly three seconds and they got it on the first take. Those of you who might be in the mood for a good laugh, I ask that you call in to KURE (294-9292) and request either tracks 1 or 10 from Speed Limit Green. If they say they can't find it, tell them it is located above the new music in a skinny case with a burned CD inside of it. The name of the group is written in marker on the CD. -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/05/2003 02:46:00 AM ----- BODY: Funny Sites Of Interest

Doodie -- this funny site of potty humor has been one of my favorites for years. Time Travel Fund -- I can't believe someone would actually believe this. Fake Blue Man Group Ads -- these guys are pretty clever. Swearbear -- I don't know why swearing is so funny to me....I'm so immature. Peanut Butter Jelly Time! -- stupid, but it'll stay in your head for eternity. The Strangest Cartoon Ever -- absolutely hilarious if you're into random humor. Sarcastic (Yet Pretty True) Comic Strip -- the name says it all. Hold The Button -- challenge your friends and break records! Real AT&T Emails About Carrot Top Fight Back Against Telemarketers! -- a helpful flowchart When Porn Sites Move... Kids Are So Stupid... New Video Clips From Former "The State" Members and Wet Hot American Summer (one of the best comedies ever) -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/04/2003 01:54:00 AM ----- BODY: Only In Dreams

Last night I have two dreams. The first one was amazingly real. I went to the doctor to get a persistant cough examined. The doctor informed me that I had a serious asthmatic condition and had only three weeks to live. I sat there shaking with my mind racing. How would I live my life for the next 21 days? How would I tell people? Who would really care? What kind of an impact had I made in my short life? Afterwards, I came back to my room just laying on my bed trying to digest the news as my phone rested beside me. Then I woke up. In the second dream, I was boating around a swampy area that was supposed to be Lake Okoboji (northern East Lake or one of the Gars?)with some people whom I knew, but wasn't good friends with. We were having a great time and we headed back to what was supposed to be our place on the lake. This place had a large, wooden patio that was elevated at the second story of the building and the supports for the patio went directly into the lake. Looking to our left at a field next to the lake, we saw these weird looking animals that we thought we recognized as being dangerous. The closest resemblance I can think of now is that it resembled a tapir but had a shaggy horse-like face. A couple of my friends went over to it and were immediately mauled to death. Then, these witch doctor ladies came up with the animals onto our patio and started throwing little spider things on all of us while the animals ran around trying to trample us. I couldn't get away from the animals or the spiders that were crawling all over my skin. That's when I woke up. -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/03/2003 12:26:00 AM ----- BODY: I Hate Cats

I remember being a little kid back in first grade or so and going over to my aunt's house. She had a cat named Snyder that was the most impersonal, unfriendly animal I had ever encountered. It would never greet you or show any affection. Instead, it would just run away if you went toward it. Since witnessing that cat, I have paid attention to other cats and came to the conclusion that Snyder didn't just possess rare, secluded personality traits. In fact, all traits associated with sucking seems to be imbedded in their DNA. They show no personality or appreciation towards their owner unless they are hungry or want to be scratched. Dogs, on the other hand, love their owners and have personality. How anyone would ever chose buying a cat over a dog just blows my mind. I find it rather ironic that cats deserve the name "bitch" when female dogs are the unfortunate bearers of that title. Kittens are cool, though. They at least are someone cute. Actually, medical studies have shown that cat lovers are generally introverted while dog owners are typically more extroverted. I guess that explains all the crazy old ladies that surround themselves with cats. I realize that this sounds petty, but I won't even date girls who own cats. If they have one back home that's fine, but if they are currently living with one then I won't even consider dating them. I once was talking to a girl that kept her cat's litter box in her room...now that's just plain messed up. I happened to stumble across a funny site run by a couple guys who seem to share my view on cats. Weird cat owners send in photos of their beloved felines and then these two guys just rip on them. It's really quite amusing...especially for a cat-hater like me. -------- AUTHOR: Brad DATE: 2/02/2003 02:35:00 AM ----- BODY: Energy Grand Opening

After a couple nights of bar hopping, I decided to take it easy tonight. Not only would I save money, but my decision should lead to a greater probability of productivity for the day of the sabbath. Instead of heading to a heavily populated local drinking establishment, a roomate, his girlfriend, and I decided it could be interesting to head over to the grand opening of Engergy, a karaoke bar that serves lattes, appetizers consisting of Chinese food, and gross, fruity "bubble" drinks. From the outside, it looks like your typical trendy latte bar. On the inside, however, I became sort of frightened. At one point, the three of us were literally the only non-Asian people in the place. I think they all must have joined together and said, "Ya know, screw going to the rec and the library on weekend nights! Let's get together, eat and drink [the above-mentioned items], and take turns singing songs!" The staff was very friendly and helpful as they showed us around the place. Aside from the main area and bar that is visible from the outside, there is a hallway in the back that has a bunch of rooms coming off of it. Each room has couches, some tables, and a t.v. that displays a video and words of the songs in which to karaoke. Walking down this hallway is creepy. It reminded us of a weird kinky sex place you see in the movies where each room is some hooker's own private domain. Luckily, every door has a window that you can look in and witness large gatherings of college Asians singing with pure delight to their favorite pop songs. This was extremely amusing. My personal favorite was witnessing one belt out "Don't You Cry Tonight" by Guns 'n' Roses with powerful emotion. It wasn't quite as hilarious as this great clip, but it was still pretty darn funny. Overall, I was glad that I went there. I really can't see myself going there to rent out a room and sing songs, but I sure is great watching some of those people get into songs like that. It's definitely worth the trip at least once. --------